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Jokes |
Life's Reflections
1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain,
no pain.
2.
I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
3. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets
mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks
his head out the window?
4. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is
an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
5. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking
five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we
have no idea where she is.
6. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go
out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how
long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are
always locking three of them.
7. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls
and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful
animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have
photographs of her on the wall.
8. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have
been more specific.
Norman and his wife live in
Calgary. One winter morning while listening
to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to
have
8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the
even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norm's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must
park
your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snowplow can get
through."
Norm's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer
says
"We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must
park.........." then the electric power goes out.
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she
says,
"Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need
to
park
on so the plow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are
married
to
Blondes exhibit, Norman says,
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
WHAT IF OR
WHY
WHY
DOESN’T GLUE STICK TO THE INSIDE OF ITS TUBE?
IF SPONGES
DIDN’T LIVE IN THE SEA HOW DEEP WOULD IT BE?
WHAT IS THE
SPEED OF DARK, I MEAN LIGHT HAS 1.
WHAT COLOUR
WOULD A SMURF GO IF YOU CHOKED IT?
WOULD
YOU DIE IF YOU WERE SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?
IF A
LOTTERY WIN ISN’T GOING TO CHANGE THEIR LIFE, WHY DID THEY GO IN IT IN THE
FIRST PLACE?
WHY
DOES THE FRIDGE HAVE A LIGHT AND NOT THE FREEZER?
HOW
CAN SOMETHING BE NEW & IMPROVED?
IF
JIMMY CRACKED CORN AND NO ONE CARES, WHY WRITE A SONG ABOUT IT.
WHY IS
ABBREVIATION SUCH A LONG WORD?
WHY IS
DYSLEXIA SO HARD TO SPELL?
IF QUIZZES
ARE QUIZZICAL WHAT ARE TESTS????
IF
OLIVE OIL IS MADE FROM OLIVES, WHAT IS BABY OIL MADE FROM?
WHY DO
KAMIKAZE PILOTS WEAR CRASH HELMETS?
WHY DO
TOILET WINDOWS IN PLANES HAVE FROSTED GLASS?
WHY
DOGS GO MAD IF YOU BLOW IN THEIR FACE, YET STICK THEIR HEAD OUT OF THE WINDOW
WHEN ARE IN THE CAR?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him
around several times, does he
become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your
two
cents in
. . .. what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to
begin with?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives
a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it
be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as
they get older; then it dawned on me . . . they're cramming for their final
exam.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and
forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
nuts.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
"If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it." ~ Jonathan Winters
Old Indian, standing on the corner.
Good-lookin' woman passes
by, on the way to work. The Indian raises his hand in greeting,
and says, "Chance!"
The same happens several days in a row. Woman walks past, The
Indian raises his hand, and says, "Chance!"
Finally, one day, she can't ignore it any longer, stops, and
asks, "You're an Indian, aren't you?"
He nods.
She says, "I always thought Indians said `How!' as a greeting."
Indian says, "Already know how, just want chance!"
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